you too?

I don't know how to describe the bone chilling experience of hearing yet another person say to me, "me too".

"me too; I have also been abused."

Anger. Utter despair. Disgust. Hope. Visibility. Anguish. Empathy. Reality. Disbelief. Protective rage. Guilt. Empowerment. Confusion. Affirmation. Sadness. Silence. Uncertainty. Fear. Solidarity. Exhaustion. Suffocation...

If you get me then you know that these words are simply words for expression and merely scratch the surface of the complex thoughts and emotions that pulse through our veins when another survivor of abuse walks out of the shadows and tells us their story. Whether it is their first time telling it or the millionth, every time that I hear their story, there is an added element of realization. Many times, the first time that someone tells me what they experienced, it is in fragmented descriptions of that reality. Over time, the story becomes more clear and the person's confidence in telling it wanes between uncertainty, anger, confusion, disbelief, affirmation, and more than the above aforementioned feelings.

The reality of abuse is that it is rooted, most times, in lies and manipulations of the truth. This is why it is so difficult for many, including those who've experienced it, to recognize the torment, especially within the moments that the reality is being distorted around them in real time. To add to the difficulty, society isn't quite caught up with the details and nuances of abuse, especially what they can't prove, see, or understand.

Like in a parallel universe, abuse exists in an unobtainable dimension, so successfully architected in a way that it is right next to us, but only the people who are looking and listening can decrypt the language and behaviors for recognizing it for what it is. And, even the most expert observers, sometimes miss a beat. It is an entire world of toxic ideologies and habits that needs to be split open, dissected, and revived into just reparations. But before I can dream of a day when that ugly world is gutted out, ridding these terrible happenings, it's imperative that people are equipped to be able to recognize the monster when it appears.

This is the difficult task...because like any creature, it has many forms. Physical abuse is still rampant around the globe and is either visible or a well-kept secret, but emotional, psychological, financial, verbal, sexual abuse linger on the tongues and actions of the people around us in normalized, camouflaged fashion. It's honestly very sneaky and so well disguised that about a year ago, someone genuinely asked me, "wait, what? abuse still exists?" I was in utter shock at the two completely different realities we lived in where he thought abuse is an outdated practice of the past, while I was learning more and more about how ingeniously it has made its way into my life and others' around me.

But I guess some people don't actually know that there is something to even look for, so I'm telling you right now that there is. It's not just me, but generations of people, who have untold stories and hidden abusers. The monster walks among us every day, and it is very possible that you, too, have unknowingly been abused or abused someone else.

For a moment, forget the statistics and reflect on yourself. Have you been abused? Are you being abused? Have you abused someone? Are you abusive? These categories of experiences are not mutually exclusive. You could be a victim who perpetuates toxic behaviors toward others. You can also be, simply, one or the other. If you don't find that either applies to you then are you an ally? Or, do you, too, believe that abuse isn't real?

For as long as we treat survivor stories as myths, the parasite will grow, feeding on innocent people and fueling related issues such as human trafficking, inhumane immigration policies, kidnapping, raping, lack of gendered diversity across industries, the wage gap, bullying, regretful marriages, suicides, murders, hatred, unhappiness, and more. The abusers survive in worlds that they've created for themselves to continue living in a reality in which it is okay for them to treat others the way that they do. And, this reality that they've brought their victims into thrives off of bi-standers, other abusers, and victims alike.

Abuse can exist between any two or more people of whatever relation. It can be one time. It can be several. It can be chronic. It can be toward only one person. It can be toward many. It can be praised as good behavior, even. It can also be acknowledged for what it is, and yet, still be accepted. It can exist one moment and then become a figment of people's imaginations -- oh, is that really how it happened? Like I said, it thrives on ambiguity, fake realities, and more often than not acceptance of these fake realities.

It's very possible to acknowledge the existence of abuse while being either intentionally or unintentionally blind to the abuse right in front of us. That way your co-worker gave you a hand hug. The passive aggression in a teacher's tone toward intersectional students. The omission of details in your health profile before engaging in sexual activities. Someone's double standards about you versus them. A significant others' desire to have sex without a condom. The confusing argument that stemmed from someone else's frustration but led to you thinking you're crazy. The consistent yet low hum of 'no's that come out of your spouse's mouth and attitude. The shame that a lover gives you for not being financially dependent yet insisting that they'll provide all of your financial needs. A smile into a crowd of friends and family despite the fight that had just happened. The one name he called you, and continues to call you. That time your co worker commented on your clothing, pointing out how much better you look in tighter clothes. The one too many times your date insisted on paying for your meal. The impolite comment someone left on your dating profile. The multiple times a story didn't line up. Every time someone bulldozes their words through your wall of reasoning and prioritizes their feelings, intentions, and goals over your understanding of the situation.

Maybe you're not familiar with any of what I've written here. Maybe you're all too familiar. Maybe you get it but not really. All of our understandings of abuse vary depending on what we've experienced, who we have around us to talk to about these experiences, and how active we are in learning about abuse regardless of which path we've walked and talked. It took me no time to know that certain physical abuses are wrong -- like a man beating his wife. But it took me years of coaching myself alongside my sisters to recognize other forms of abuse, and I'm still learning.

Last month, I heard yet another story of a friend who walked out of an abusive relationship.

"Oh, no," I thought. "You too?"

Then I was filled to the brim.

Anger................... Utter despair............. Disgust.

Hope................................................. Visibility........................... Anguish........... Empathy.

...........................................Reality..........................................................................

.........Disbelief.....................Protective rage...........................Guilt.......................Empowerment.

Confusion..................... Affirmation...........Sadness....Silence. Uncertainty.

.........Fear............. Solidarity.....................................................Exhaustion.

Suffocation...

You have also been abused,

michelle